Not too long ago,
a work colleague asked me what I wanted to do if I wasn’t in my present job. In
my effort to give him an interesting, impressive, well-thought out and
extravagant reply, I came monumentally short, candidly replying ‘I don’t know!’
(and that was the end of that conversation!). Despite the abrupt end of this
dialogue, this question sparked deep thought within me. Later that day, I
pondered on this question, reflected on it, and then altered that question
slightly by asking myself ‘what would I do if money wasn’t an object?’.
The reason that
these questions elicited deep interest within me was because I have experienced
unhappiness in my present job on more than one occasion. I will keep my job
title private, but I will say that my job involves ‘helping people’. As much as
I enjoy helping people, I also cannot stand the politics involved in my
workplace. I would love to go into greater detail, thoroughly, honestly and
brutally expressing exactly why my job doesn’t continually fill me with joy,
but I fear that I may compromise myself. And as much as I use writing as a form
of expression, in this case I think it best that I stay slightly tight-lipped,
because at the end of the day ‘a
brother’s gotta eat!’.
Contrastingly
though, I question, is it the job, the politics and certain people that I don’t
like? Or is that my perception and attitude towards life is so negativistic
that I always focus on the ‘bad’ points in life and in my job, opposed to
displaying gratitude towards my job and to my life as a whole. I mean, working
in an altruistic field, whereby I am helping people, opposed to working in the
city, selling people things, that they don’t need, just to reach targets, is
something that I am extremely proud of. I haven’t got it in me to work in a
such a field which goes against my core beliefs, and one which would make me
feel fraudulent, both to my clients and to my soul. Despite it being obvious
that I could be in much worse, much more stressing, much less philanthropical
lines of work, my current post still leaves me rather unfulfilled.
Anyway. Back to
that pertinent question. ‘What would I do if money wasn’t an object/if I wasn’t
doing my current job?’, well the answer would probably be this, writing! I mean
journalism, digging dirt on people, getting all up in their ‘George Foreman’s’ to get a scoop doesn’t
interest me. On the other hand, expressing my thoughts and feelings on a page,
introspectively in a cathartic manner does. ‘If only I could get paid for it?’, utters the ‘inner me’ voice. In fairness,
getting paid would be a bonus! I do this because I enjoy it. Writing has helped
me come through dark times. Over a year ago, I was incredibly unhappy,
stressing about my master’s course and splitting up with my then girlfriend.
Even though I wouldn’t say she was the reason for my depression/suicidal
thoughts, being apart from her meant that I had more time to think, more time
alone, less distractions, which ultimately highlighted the fact that I was
extremely unhappy. I was waking up some days wishing I wouldn’t, thinking that
if something bad were to happen to me on the way home then it wouldn’t be a bad
thing. In writing, I exorcised some demons, powered through the low times and
switched a negative situation into a positive one. Despite my passion for
writing, I only seem to write when I’m down, in a bad mood or when I have an ‘idea’. I ‘think’ about writing frequently, but thinking alone doesn’t
increase productivity and deliverance onto paper. When I’m down, the pen (or
the keyboard) flows, I feel like I’m on autopilot, whatever comes out isn’t
completely of my own doing. To improve, to change this from a hobby, or a form
of counselling, into a career/occupation, I need to practice this daily,
regardless of my mood. As they say ‘practice
doesn’t make perfect, practice makes permanent!’.
No-one is control
of my happiness but me. If I’m not completely happy with my present situation,
then maybe it is time that I changed it. It’s time to be proactive, refine my
skills and see where this can take me. Time to ‘stop thinking about’ it’s time to ‘be about it!’.
Oh yeah. Welcome
to my page (and my unstructured, random, ramblings on!)!
Much love,
Ashley Samba.
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