We Win Or We Grow/Day 1 #30DTC

Hi guys,

I am completing Claira Hermet's, 30 day's to change it challenge (#30DTC). In essence, this challenge involves refraining from identifying with the negative thoughts of your mind (thus understand that you are not your mind, or your body for that matter, and in fact that you are something deeper and much greater and more powerful than you realise) saying daily positive affirmations and also making a list and completing whatever it is that makes you happy and brings you peace, over a 30 day period. Writing is one of the main things in life that brings me peace. So for the next 30 days I am going to do my best to write a poem a day! Here is my first instalment. I hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to comment and share. 

Much love,

Ashley Samba

We Win Or We Grow

I know I can’t live forever

So as long as I’m here, I may as well live in heaven

My mind’s a seed

With water it’ll flower

So I respect the sun, but sometimes the rain is what I need

To grow tall like a tree

To be resilient in all weathers

Like a palm tree, flexibility is key

It stays in sync, to and fros with the winds

If it resisted it would break down

When we accept the winds of positivity

But then resist the winds of negativity

We break down

When things don’t go our way, when we don’t like what people say, when people don’t like what we say, when we’ve had a bad day

Just remember

The sun makes you shine

The rain makes you grow

And the harsh winds are to be expected, and that’s just how life goes

But like all things, the turbulence will pass, it won’t last

Remember flexibility is key, flow with life like a palm tree

You can weather the storm

You’re stronger than you know

We don’t lose or fail, we win or we grow

Ashley Samba © 

Oh To Be A Kid Again

Hi guys,

This is a shorter post than usual! It's me 'getting my poetry on'! Hope you enjoy!

Much love,

Ashley Samba (poem to follow below)

Oh To Be A Kid Again

Oh to be a kid again,
no bills, no rent,
no stress, many friends,
just living in the present.

Oh to be a kid again,
just now, no past,
no regrets, no drama,
just living days like my last.

Oh to be kids again,
imagination boundless,
Laughter all around us,
masters of our happiness.

Let's live like kids again,
more love, less hate,
hard work, but more play,
more gratitude and less complaints.

Ashley Samba ©

Almost

Hi guys!

This is a shorter post than usual! I had a potential, near-death experience the other night! I was riding my bicycle like a d@#khead, trying to run the lights, and almost got knocked over by an oncoming car! I didn't see the car until the last minute, thankfully the driver's emergency-stop-game was on point! My impatience almost cost me dearly, and could have potentially caused a serious accident, as well as a traumatic experience for the driver! Lesson learned!

Anyway, it got my thinking about life. Yes, if you are reading this you are living, but are you really alive? Isn't it also ironic, that people have to experience the death of others, or have to have a near death experience themselves, before they can appreciate life?

Anywhoo, please see my poem 'Almost', below. Feel free to like comment and share :D.
Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog posts.

Almost

Almost died last night,

Now I need to start living.

Is that what it takes,

For me to start living?

To stop moaning about menial shit,

And start living.

Need to learn that life is a gift,

And start living.

Three meals, clothes on my back,

That’s blessed living.

Warm bed roof ‘bove my head,

That’s blessed living.

But I still get vexed by opinions,

That’s time-wasting.

It’s nonsense, ‘n’ most ain’t facts,

I can’t change it.

Too scared to shine my lights,

It’s insanity.

Living in the dark ain’t right,

It’s insanity.

Bright lights, can dim with thoughts,

Negativity.

We’ve gotta make our mind a companion,

Not an enemy.

The universe is our place,

And there’s space for change.

My thoughts are outdated,

So it’s time to renovate.

It’s time to act on what I love,

‘N’ not be consumed by hate.

Cause I almost died last night,

So I can’t let life go to waste.

(C) Ashley Samba

Powerful Beyond Measure

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us’, (Marianne Williamson).

Like many people of my age, I heard this quote in the film Coach Carter. It was alien to me. It left me perplexed. I’d spent untold hours stuck in a timid, negative and self-suppressing mindset. A prisoner to my mental demons, wanting a way out of my own head. All I wanted was inner peace and clarity. All I wanted was more confidence, more self-esteem, more self-belief, to be ‘powerful beyond measure’. So how could that be my ‘deepest fear’? If all I ever wanted was greatness, why would I be afraid of it? Why would I settle for mediocracy? To me, this was akin to a homeless person, without a penny to his name, not knowing where his next meal would come from, saying on one hand that he desperately needs money to survive, but on the other hand saying that he’d be scared to win the lottery (FYI my analogies are weird and random, and may not make any sense whatsoever unless you are weird and random too! J)!

Wanting greatness and fearing it, seemed antithetical. Until I became aware of the concept of the ego. The ego can be defined as a person’s ‘false sense of self’. Or more easily put, it pertains to the labels that you attach to yourself such as your occupation, or race, social status or tax bracket. A person may deem themselves superior, inferior or equal to another person, based purely on the labels that they attach to themselves, in comparison to others. The ego creates ‘your story’. For example, stories that you are ‘not good enough’ to achieve your goals, that you ‘don’t deserve to be happy’ or that worrying excessively about things ‘shows that you care’ or that you are inferior to other people (conversely, egos can also tell a story that one is ‘better’ than somebody else). Obviously, some people have more obstacles than others when it comes to excelling in life, you would be very deluded or very ignorant to suggest otherwise, but the point I’m making is that the ego can act as the inner shackle that holds you back.

It is never satisfied. It needs something to complain about. It needs enemies. It needs people and or situations to judge and criticize, it always wants more, it can’t just Be. It feeds off drama and suffering. The ego doesn’t represent the true person that I am, it doesn’t represent my true Being. Many a time I have felt conflicted within. Hence the expression ‘I (the inner me/real me), cannot live with my-self (the ego)’. Thus, something within my mind, subconsciously enjoys the mental pain that I have endured when I’ve had a bad day at work, when someone has said something unkind to me or when I have failed at a task I was trying to complete. These situations result in more criticism and judgement of others, more negative self-talk and more declarations of ‘I’m not good enough’, thus adding more fuel to drama-filled fire, thus strengthening my ego’s mental stronghold.

Although I feel that I will never be absent of emotion, accepting all moments for what they are, instead of judging them, or labelling them, and refraining from holding onto the past at the detriment of the Now or the future, I hope will give me more balance. I’ve come to realize that it is in insane to remain in a negative mindset. Worrying is pointless. If you can solve something, then you shouldn’t worry about it, and if you can’t solve something, then you shouldn’t worry about it (believe me I know it isn’t quite that simple, but using an extreme example hopefully highlights in the main, what is the nonsensical nature of worrying). Trash talking oneself, telling yourself that you’re not good enough limits one’s potential. I’ve also realized that ‘I’m’ not doing those things, it has been my ego. Thus, instead of attaching myself to ego’s ramblings on, I have instead (as per Eckhart Tolle’s suggestion in his book A New Earth) simply observed the thoughts of the ego, and stopped from identifying with them. I’ve stopped believing that those negative thoughts are a representation of who I am. This technique, albeit quite new (very new in fact) to me, has been surprisingly effective in reducing my pain towards situations that I had perceived as negative.

Thinking, does not represent our complete nature. It is simply a component of our human experience. As Fritz Pearls said ‘lose your mind and come to your senses’. Thus, we may have to lose our mind (or our ego), to realise our greatness.

Thus, to conclude, it seems our true power, our light, our ability to reach greatness, is our ego’s ‘deepest fear’.

Comment and share if any of this resonates with you. 

Thanks for reading.

Much love,

Ashley Samba.

I’m In Love With A White Woman

I’m in love with a white woman. Her smile, her generosity, her positivity, her love of life, her selflessness, her ability to empathize with me, her willingness to understand me and her spirit. If she was black, Asian, green, purple, orange or f*cking Martian I’d still love her the same! I’m not in love with her for her ‘colour’ (race is a construct devised by Blumenbach, to create a hierarchical system, which in part allowed for the justification of slavery, it could be strongly (very strongly) argued that this system is still in play throughout society today. But that’s for another blog post ;) ), I love her for her!

Despite my unapologetic love for her, I’m also unapologetically pro-black. ‘Pro-blackness’ does not equate to ‘anti-whiteness’ and ‘black love’ does not equate to ‘white-hate’. I attended a BlackLivesMatter protest in London in May of this year. People of all races, religions and cultures were in attendance. The protest’s aim was to raise awareness of and give support to the numerous black people who had been slain by police (many of whom were caught on camera doing it) for menial offences, such as selling cigarettes (Eric Garner, rest in power) or having a broken taillight (Sandra Bland, rest in power). Furthermore, many of the victims were not in any way shape or form resisting arrest before they were murdered.

The system in America is made for certain people to advance, and for certain people not too. I encourage you to watch the film ‘13^th’ on Netflix. The title ‘13^th’, relates to the 13^th amendment, which post abolition, stated that slavery was illegal, unless it was used as a punishment for crime. It shows how many people, mainly of black and Latino origins, have been arrested and sentenced for minor offences, but then served lengthy jail-times (i.e. for J-walking). It also highlights racial double-standards. For instance, middle-class white people who have been arrested for cocaine possession have served substantially less jail-time (if any at all) in comparison to black or Latino people for crack-cocaine possession. Different jail-times for drugs made from the same ‘ingredients’? One predominantly found in one type of neighbourhood, the other predominantly found in another. The same drug, but different jail-times (I’ve said that already, but repetition, remains in the memory!).

What’s more pertinent to know, is that there are many private prisons in America. Prisons make money dependending on how many inmates are behind their bars per year. Additionally, many well-known corporations, ‘hire’ inmates (paying many less than $1 an hour), to produce the products that are sold in their establishments. This could explain why the ‘United States is home to five percent of the world’s population, but 25 percent of the world’s prisoners’, (Barack Obama). The connection between the corporations, prisons and some politicians is via ALEC (American Legislative Exchange Council). ALEC is a group that creates legislation for so called ‘lawmakers’ of state. Many American ‘laws’ are not even made by ‘lawmakers’! These ‘laws’ are in place for corporate gain.

This is by no means an exhaustive explanation, but hopefully this piece can awaken you to that fact ‘that there are companies making millions of dollars off the punishment of human beings’ (Ava DuVernay, director/writer of 13^th). Specifically, I would argue, black human-beings.

Whether it be politicians like Hilary Clinton, calling young black men ‘super-predators’, whom needed to be made to ‘heel’ (which aided her husband Bill Clinton’s ‘crime bill’ which further increased mass incarceration of Americans), or Donald Trump stating publicly that a group of black and Latino men, should be given the death penalty, without evidence might I add (for raping a white woman. All of accused were acquitted, and DNA evidence proved that none of these man had raped the accuser), aggressive tactics have been used to portray black and Latino men in America in a negative light, increasing the fear towards them, further justifying and creating public demand for mass incarceration.

This fear and negatively towards black (and Latino) people, is also why I feel many people are numb, unempathetic and in some cases, welcoming of the murders of unarmed, unresisting black men. When people have been told via the newspaper, radio stations and television, that black people are ‘super-predators’, ‘thugs’, ‘gangsters’, ‘thieves’ and ‘uncivilized’ (many of the stereotypes that have been used to describe black men), so often then they might just start believing it (hence the lack of empathy to these murders). Us humans, are like individual computers, being subconsciously programmed by the words and the information this we receive.  When someone says the word ‘Muslim’ what’s the first word that you think of (be honest!)? I’ve tested this on people that I know, and many people will say ‘terrorist’. I feel this is because the media use the words ‘Muslim’ and ‘terrorist’ so interchangeably, that it has become one in the same in many peoples thinking. Yet when Dylan Roof, a white man who murdered 9 black people in a church in Charleston, was in the news, was he ever called a terrorist (before you say terrorism is only descriptive of the killing of people in the name of religion, please do yourself and I a favour by researching the definition of the word ‘terror’)? No! He was called a ‘lone-wolf’ or ‘mentally ill’. If he had been Muslim, just think how much more intense those adjectives would have been. Furthermore, think how much more intense the negative generalization of the Muslim religion would have been. It seems that in the eyes of the mainstream media, in society and in human consciousness, that there is one rule for one, and one for another.

Anyway, back to the protest. I am a shy and unconfrontational person much of the time, but this something that I had to confront, something that I had to do. I don’t want my future child to learn about these times and think that their daddy did nothing! Even so, protests alone are not enough. As described briefly above, people (to describe oppressors as people in being used in a loose context!) are making huge sums of money out of the oppression of fellow human-beings. Expecting the oppressors to change their minds based on a peaceful protest, would in essence require the oppressors to have a heart and a conscience. I wouldn’t hold my breath on them having either of those! If you look at history the ways in which the oppressed have risen from oppression is via extreme violence or via monetary means/economic strength, not from benevolence from the oppressors. For instance, the Haitian revolution 1791-1804, where the enslaved fought back and took their freedom, which subsequently sparked empowerment of others worldwide, thus getting the abolitionary-wheels rolling! Or the European Jews, once hugely discriminated against under Nazi rule, now combining their money and resources and becoming leading figures in politics, film, media and business and having a sustainable independent community. Even though I do not agree with monopolizing the media (99% of the world’s media is controlled by less than one percent of the world’s population), or the occupation of Palestine and Israel receiving over $30bn over a ten-year period from the US (which is illegal under UN laws). Which has aided the oppression of and war against Palestine. I am merely highlighting that unity and economic muscle can bring about power.

In my heart, in my core beliefs, all people are equal, but unfortunately, we are not all treated equally. Our race, religion, sex and culture (I could go on!), will determine how we are treated in many instance, and will also determine the privileges that we will be able to experience.

For black people, yes self-defence is key, and I understand that in the example of the Haitian Revolution, that if that violent uprising had not happened then I might not here today, using my literacy skills to write to you all (as all enslaved humans were prevented from reading and writing), but for me this would have to be the last resort in this day and age. The game has changed, racism and oppression has become sophisticated and has evolved. Violent uprising, could incur martial law and/or increase mass incarceration. I am by no means an expert, there are people out there with more knowledge than me, and I am by no means saying that passivity is the order of the day, but I do feel that economics is the key. Consciously, trying to buy black, create black businesses and combine black monies together so that black dynasties, conglomerates and corporations can be built, will mean that black people have more of an influence in politics. Unfortunately, it’s not enough to just have a black president. For me, he like most presidents and prime ministers, Obama is just the face. The people in the background are much the same, as those in the Bush administration. The last presidents that wanted to make real positive change, well we know what happened to them!

Dame Dash, co-founder of Roc-a-fella Record, stated that the wealthy American-European Jewish people call black people ‘liquid money’, because a black dollar will circulate in black communities for a few hours, before it is spent in other ethnic groups stores and or communities. Whereas a European Jewish dollar will circulate for about a month! Herein lies the message, money is power. Black spending power and in America and worldwide is huge, but it is not being spent effectively. I feel if used collectively, many of the problems that black people suffer could be significantly reduced.

Before people think this is an attack on white people, well I just want to say ‘get over yourself!’. Not all white people are racist, or agree with the murder or oppression of people who are not white, and I am fully aware of that. There are many white people, who do more for the empowerment and betterment of black people than black people (please take the time to do a Google search on Jane Elliot)! This post is about me giving you ‘facts’, on what oppression is, how it’s been overcome in the past, how it may be overcome today, and also racial double standards. Also, I hope this is explained why I am, I will always be, and will always have to be PRO-BLACK!

Yours,

Ashley Samba. 

Hero

As I’ve matured (I will soon be reaching the grand-old age of 28! Woo!! But, I’ll be working on my birthday! Boo!!), I have turned into quite the book worm! I’ve read many on a book on spirituality, self-development and confidence such as ‘The Chimp Paradox’ by Professor Steve Peter’s, ‘Confidence’ by Rob Yeung and ‘The Art of Happiness: A Handbook For Living’ by HH Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler.

I have learnt a great deal from these books, and I personally recommend reading all of them, but be aware, if your reasoning for reading such books is to develop and progress on a personal level, then you will be unlikely to achieve this just by reading the books alone, you must diligently apply this knowledge. In my own case, some of the lessons I’ve learnt have not been long-lasting, due to my lack of discipline in physically applying these lessons to my own life. The HH Dalai Lama states “happiness is not something readymade. It comes from your own actions”. Thus, you must actively ‘work’ at being happy. That could mean you limiting the time that you spend listening to music with negative messages, getting away from negative people who slyly put you down regularly, or by being grateful of what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t have. Some of the happiest people I know practice gratitude subconsciously. For instance, the joy I’ve seen on loved one’s face’s after looking at a spotted banana (because they prefer how they taste when compared to a spotless banana), or when they eat a crunchy apple or when they see a blue sky, is akin to the expression of  a lottery winner! Pure ecstasy, excitement and happiness. I know this may sound a little ‘kerazy’, but I feel being able to express true gratitude for ‘every day’ pleasures, is one of the key’s to experiencing true happiness.

Anywhoo, I may have gone slightly off topic (I tend to do that a lot so get used to it ;) !). The point of this blog entry is to discuss and share what I have learnt from Rhonda Byrne’s book ‘Hero’. In essence, the book discusses how we as humans can realize our true potential, find our calling and then become ‘Heroes’ . The book includes testimonies from several different people who have excelled in the worlds of sport, business and media. Below includes quotes from the book as well as my interpretations of some of these quotes.

1.       How to Find Your Dream

 ‘Look at those moments where you’re feeling blissful, moments when time just flies by, when you really feel lit up, when you’re really inspired’. Mastin Kipp (creator of The Daily Love).

‘It’s important people take the time to identify what they love. If you don’t, you’re just a rudderless boat’. Layne Beachley (the most successful female surfer of all time).

‘One way of finding out a direction: take two pieces of paper. Write down on one piece of paper what you’re good at, and on the other piece what you’d like to be able to do with your life. And see if you can take these two pieces of paper and match things together’. Peter Burwash (former tennis player and current tennis coach).

‘The other way is go in the direction of the real entrepreneur which is asking: ‘‘What does the world need and what does the world want at this particular point in time?’’. Peter Burwash

Through some of my worst moments in my life, I found moments of clarity, and ultimately my ‘bliss’. I remember watching the documentary ‘Amy’, on the life of Amy Winehouse. She uniquely explained that her reason for writing (and singing) songs was her way of ‘making something good out of something shit’, the ‘shit’, being the trials and tribulations of her life. Even though I am by no means comparing her level of genius to my writing skills, I feel that I can relate. Writing was and is a catharsis and a ‘get out of my thoughts’ exercise for me, and through it I’ve found my ‘bliss’.

I’m not saying deliberately go through pain and bad experience to achieve ‘bliss’, but I feel that all experiences, including bad ones are temporary, thus positivity can eventually be born out of it.

Another way of finding out what your love, bliss or dream is to GET OUT THERE! Most of us have labels of what we are and what we are not, and images/perceptions of who we are and how we should act. Quite frankly a lot of these categories that we put ourselves in are complete bullsh*t, and can result in separatism (which is ridiculous as we are all connected!). We ‘shouldn’t live the same year 80 times over and call it life’ (Unknown (well to me anyway, please enlighten me!). I feel that you have do things that you haven’t done before, experience new places, new food, take dance classes, acting classes, writing classes or just partake in general ‘randomness’! Exposing yourself to new things will widen your horizon’s and give you a better understanding of your likes and dislikes.

2.       Visualizations

‘Every idea that I’ve ever had and everything I’ve ever done I first saw in my mind. People talk about visualization: that’s just a way of saying that you can see it in your mind. Ultimately you can’t have a dream without being able to see it. How are you going to manifest something that don’t see in your mind?’.  Laird Hamilton (world-renowned surfer).

A way in which you can visualize is by creating your own vision board (also known as a dream board).  Patti Dobrowolski, in her Ted Talk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zESeeaFDVSw ) explains how you can ‘draw your dreams into reality’, by firstly drawing a picture on the left hand side of a piece of paper that depicts your ‘current state’. Secondly, drawing three separate arrows entitled ‘see it’, ‘believe it’ and ‘act on it’, followed by a picture on the far-right hand side which depicts your ‘desired new reality’. This is your ‘road map for change’. If you complete this exercise, it would be good practice to place the drawing somewhere in your room whereby you’ll see it easily when you wake up. This is so that your subconscious mind ‘can absorb the images and construct a program which is stimulated every time it is envisioned’ (YUSA, 2014). Celebrities such as Jim Carey have used visualization techniques to great effect. In an interview with Oprah (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPU5bjzLZX0), he explained that before the fame (when he was broke) he wrote a $10, 000,000 check to himself and placed it inside his wallet. Five years later he found out that he was going to make $10, 000,000 on the film ‘Dumb and Dumber’. Obviously, that’s not all he did to achieve his dream, (he was also quoted as saying ‘you can’t just visualize and eat a sandwich!’), but he does believe in the power of intention, believing that your thoughts can create your reality (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZBOjuyjHe4 ).

3.       Do Not Let Your Fears Stop You

‘The word courage comes from the French word Coeur, which means ‘’heart’’. When you go ahead and do something despite the fear you feel, courage arises from within your heart. This is how you acquire courage. It’s not the other way around, where you have to find the courage before you act. Courage comes from performing fearful acts! As you build courage you’ll find that things you once thought were scary don’t seem scary at all’. (Rhonda Byrne).

This quote speaks for itself and needs no interpretation. All I will say is that I have had fearful/scary experiences in writing and sharing this blog and in writing my book previously to this (please type in ‘The Noise by Ashley Samba’ into Amazon (all formats) if you would like to buy my book). This is purely because I have feared what people might think of me. Instead of limiting myself to please other people, or to fit in, I’m going to continue doing this because I enjoy it. So, ‘French Connection UK It!’. If people like what I write that’s great. If it’s not for them and they rip me for doing this then so-be-it!

4.       Determination

‘When you tried to walk as a baby, you fell down hundreds of times. When you first tried to feed yourself, you put food in your eye, on your cheek, and everywhere but in your mouth. Learning how to talk was a long journey full of mistakes, but you never once considered giving up. Determination is part of your nature. You have it within you, and you can find it again’. Rhonda Byrne

‘We were born perfect’ (KRS ONE). Simple, we had all the tools we needed for success (such as determination and love) as babies and then we got sidetracked by self-doubt, low self-esteem and insecurities, among others things. The world has ‘French Connection UK’d us’ and made us forget the true power that we possess. We have an obsession with perfectionism. We need to understand that life isn’t perfect, and that setbacks and failures (or more appropriately put ‘lessons’) are precursors to mastership.

5.       Positive self-talk/Subconscious Mind

‘The only reason you don’t believe in yourself is because you’ve inadvertently thought your way into not believing in yourself. Thinking a whole bunch of thoughts and accepting that they’re true form beliefs. You were born with belief in yourself, and so if you don’t believe in yourself today it just means that in your life you have accepted thoughts about yourself that other people put upon you, and you believed them to be true. And the only way you have maintained that lack of belief has been through your own continuing thoughts about yourself – your self-talk’. Rhonda Byrne

‘As you think thoughts that you can achieve your dream, you will change the program in your subconscious mind. Your subconscious mind is like a computer, and it has many different programs that you have loaded into it, either with your thoughts or by listening to and accepting other people’s thoughts about you. And you’ve been doing this throughout your life’. Rhonda Byrne

Negative self-talk is something I have struggled with for a long time (island time, long!). Instead of crucifying myself every time I do something wrong, or every time that something I’m doing doesn’t go to plan, I try to tell myself that these experiences are a chance to learn, a chance to better myself and to chance to build myself on the road to mastership. Even though I’m not always ‘Mr. Confident’, I feel that subconsciously, this change in perspective has allowed me to gain more confidence and self-belief in situations that I was previously fearful of.

6.       I can’t do much but I can do that

‘I can’t do much, but I can do that. If everybody on this planet would get that lesson – I can’t do much, but I can do that. I learned that you can help other people in small ways that are available to you right this second. If we all lived that way, you would see a shift in the thinking on the planet’. Liz Murray (famous for her path to Harvard from homelessness)

WE HAVE THE POWER! *Note to self and others*

Anyway. This is a non-exhaustive essay on what I’ve learned from the book ‘Hero’.  Let me know what you think!

Yours,

Ashley Samba.

More

Many of us, myself included, do not wake up fully present. Do not wake up fully appreciative of the blessings that are bestowed to us every day.  Instead of counting and being grateful for our blessings, we always want more. We have an insatiable desire for ‘more’. We seem to think that if we have ‘more’, then everything will fall into place. Whereas, I have now come to believe that if you can find peace within, only then can you truly have ‘more’. Many of us who have ‘more’ in the material sense, are not and never will be able to obtain true happiness. Whereas, many of us who have less in the material sense/physical sense are substantially more emotionally and mentally sound, thus happier people.  

After watching, among other things, documentaries such as the ‘The Story of Stuff’ (https://www.youtube.com/user/storyofstuffproject), it is very evident why we always want ‘more’. Commercialism’s objective, is to make us unhappy so that we buy objects and products, many of which we don’t really need, at a rapid rate. Every time you turn on the TV you are being misled. There are hidden meanings in those three minute adverts.

Women are subconsciously being told that they are not beautiful. Society depicts an image of what beauty is or what it should be, and if a woman does not meet up to those standards, then they’re deemed ‘unbeautiful’. There are weight loss/diet plans (many of which are extreme and unsustainable, which may do more damage than good), various types of make-up, clothes or even cosmetic surgery that women can ‘utilise’, to obtain the image of ‘beauty’. The same applies for many written publications. Many women strive to look like the woman on the front cover of the magazine, when in truth, the woman on the front cover of the magazine, doesn’t even look like the woman on the front cover of the magazine! Largely what you see is an airbrushed, altered and manipulated images of a woman. ‘If women woke up tomorrow, and really loved themselves, just think how many industries would go out of business’, Dr Gail Jones. Beauty has no exact design, there is no recipe to create it, it is simply within all of us, and sooner that this is truly believed and accepted, the greater the likelihood of finding happiness.

Another reason for our unhappiness, and for us always wanting more, is the ‘Fridge Door Syndrome’. This concept is described by Professor Steve Peters in his internationally bestselling book ‘The Chimp Paradox’. He discusses two scenarios. Imagine a child comes home from school to their mother. The child has a painting that they completed in class, in their hand. The mother says ‘did you paint this? Let me put in on the fridge!’ she then hugs the child and says ‘I love you’. Now imagine the same scenario except this time upon returning home the mother hugs the chid and says ‘I love you’ to the child then looks at the child’s painting and says ‘did you paint this? Would you like me to put this on the fridge?’.

This concept is not a ‘good/bad parenting 101’ exercise, and I’m sure parents who have acted as per either scenario, both acted with good intentions and with the love. The purpose of this concept is to highlight how people’s endeavour for validation, by showcasing their achievements, is controlling their happiness. In the first scenario, the child is being told that they are loved after they have achieved something. Professor Peters states that the message in scenario one is, ‘it is what you can achieve in life that will make you worthy. It is what you do that will make others see you in a good light’. Whereas in scenario two, the child is told that they are loved irrespective of their painting, here Professor Peters stated that the message is ‘you are worthy just as you are. It is you that is being loved and respected and you don’t have to achieve anything to get this’. He also goes on to say that ‘achieving things is good but they shouldn’t be mixed up with your self-worth’. Professor Peters use extreme examples to clearly highlight his point.

This concept resonates with me personally. There have been more times that I wish to remember, where I lived in fear, worried that I won’t gain validation from others. There has been many a time where I’ve changed shape to fit in, acted out of character to be accepted. Or felt the incessant need to justify who I was, or what I was doing, if it was evident that I was different from other people. In the days that I used to clean hospital wards, I would be scared to have to answer the customary ‘so what are you up to these days (meaning what job do you do)?’ question from someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. Conversely, I’ve felt a greater sense of self-worth, in when I could announce that I was working a job with a higher socioeconomic ‘status’. There is nothing wrong with working for the job that you’ve always wanted, then getting it, being proud of yourself and then telling people about it, but just know that your current job, or your occupational and or financial achievements and status alone, do not  make you a better person than someone who has ‘less’ than you in that sense. If you have this mindset, I feel that it will be hard to find true happiness as there will always be someone who has ‘more’ (in the material, physical and financial sense), than you do. Bob Marley said ‘money is numbers and numbers never end. If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end’.

This is by no means and exhaustive piece, but always wanting ‘more’ may result in the absence of self-love and result in one taking their eye off what really matters in life. Defining your self-worth purely on the physical things that you have and what people say to you is dangerous, because those things and those people are literally controlling you. If those things get taken away, or those people stop saying nice things about you or stop accepting you for who you truly are, then in essence they will take away your happiness. As much as compliments and nice things are nice to have and receive, immersing yourself and being too independent on them can be detrimental to your mental health.

One method in creating happiness is by writing down, or saying in your head, three things that make you happy and/or that you’re grateful for, once in the morning and once at night time before you go to bed. It doesn’t matter how ‘big’ or ‘how’ small these things are. From personal experience, doing this exercise changed my outlook on life, increased my happiness and made me realise what how lucky I was to have what I had, opposed to wanting to chase ‘more’ stuff, or to obtain ‘more’ validation or do ‘more’ to change myself to fit in. My problem is that this enlightenment was temporary, as I haven’t always been disciplined to enough to stick to this exercise! Therefore, this exercise isn’t a suggestion that I’m giving just to you as readers, it’s also a reminder for me to get my sh*t together!

Another way of curating increased happiness within yourself, is by writing down the reasons that you are grateful for a particular person, and then calling that person and reading out that letter to them. Soulpancake completed such a study (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHv6vTKD6lg&list=PLzvRx_johoA_QznlVHjbByQdHZAhWRQzr) and subsequently found that their participants’ happiness increased up to 19% after telling someone why they were grateful of them.

As Infinite Waters (https://www.youtube.com/user/Kemetprince1) says, happiness is our ‘birth right’. We should own it, protect it and live it. When we are fully committed to being happy, then we may truly be able realise what it is to have ‘more’ than we will ever need.

I hope you were able to take something from this. Thanks for reading this post!

Please leave your comments below.

Much love,

Ashley Samba.